At the afterparty, people will most likely discuss:

your family's liability in the whole affair

your double secret probation

your online gaming addiction that worried your friends and family

your online gaming addiction that no one cared about

your kids' paternity

your misguided optimism

How old were you when you first experienced the crushing horror in the certainty that you and everyone you love will die?    
   younger than 10
   10-15
   16-20
   21 or older
   Wait, what?






 

Your Pet Peeves

toast crumbs in the butter

water sports

your fucking kids

Jonathan Franzan

early morning meetings

trigger warnings

the welfare state

theater majors

You also didn't like

DIY'ers

John Mayer

other peoples' kids

the state of higher education in this country

liberals

Tucker Carlson

Journey

Required Reading

True or False: In the last year of your life, you read at least one book.

TRUE

In the last 5?

10?

Since high school?

In high school?

Is your name Jordan Catalano, and/or do you need some after school help?

Are you kind of elitist?

Yes. Obviously.

Kind of.

Maybe?

No man, I am a total communist!

What are your thoughts on Jonathan Franzen?

Who?

Favorite writer, hands down.

The Corrections was okay I guess.

Well, he did kind of have a point about, um, women's writing...

If I could only stare that smarmy bastard down with my arsonist glare.

How many Wes Anderson Movies have you seen?

Do you live on a coast?

East

West

No

I'm not American, you asshole.

I'd rather not bring geography into this.

You believe mankind is
 

basically good

basically evil

a simulation

a fucking nightmare


 

Your Pet Peeves 

toast crumbs in the butter 

water sports 

your fucking kids 

Jonathan Franzen 

early morning meetings 

trigger warnings 

the welfare state 

theater majors 

You also didn't like 

DIY'ers 

John Mayer 

other peoples' kids 

the state of higher education in this country 

liberals 

Tucker Carlson 

Journey 

You believe mankind is 

basically good 

basically evil 

a simulation 

a fucking nightmare 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

Have you ever referred "the way we used to do it," and/or the superior parenting of an earlier generation, referencing some indefinite idealized past while simultaneously complaining about something in the present?

Yes, many, many, many times

Maybe, it's hard to remember

I don't think I ever did

Are you finding songs like The Summer of '69 by Bryan Adams, or Cherry Bomb hitting a little too close to home these days?

Straight through the heart

No, I don't like those songs

Were you alive when these songs first came out?
 

How did you die?

fine, you donkey

affluenza

overdosed at Comic Con

How did you die?

you spilled paint in the garage

affluenza

theme park accident

surgical error

an unfortunately timed high five while getting a neck tattoo

hit job by the liberal elites

eaten by a shark while attempting to surf

crushed by your belongings like a Collyer brother

pummeled by falling space junk

bad case of norovirus on a cruise ship. Buried at sea.

murdered by pirates

poisoned by your staff

national security incident

water polo accident

cancercancer

ypu didnt

you aren't sure. you just followed Steven Miller into the darkness

ypu didnt



 

phone a friend

the 80s

Your friends secretly dreaded your tendency to:

steal their stuff or give them nutrition advice

chew with your mouth while quoting movies badly

show them pictures of your hiking trip

share your IQ or your GPA, or, god, you didn't do both did you?

gift them copies of Bill O'Reilly novels

share beach selfies

talk about your fantasy football team

invite them to listen to see your band

talk about your existential crisis and/or what you discussed with your therapist

ignore your shower schedule

Also they worried about

higher education, mainstream media, and the socialist agenda of the liberal elite taking over your common sense and decency

your lack of initiative, street smarts, and/or your general lack of employability

your recklessness and/or substance abuse and/or hoarding

your admiration of Tucker Carlson

your laundry schedule

They didn't believe you

And they kinda doubted

spoke French

you were that fun in college

almost played professional

your social media followers were real

went to Brown

your efficacy of your medication regime

ate meals as a family

your job qualifications

knew how to surf

that you were really more comfortable with who you are than you were ten years ago

voted for Obama

your humanity

stayed sober at holiday or work events

Also I have to tell you that no one believes your claim to have been a nerd in high school. We know you were basically kind of an asshole just like the rest of us.

No man. I out. I will lie down here and someone can come back for my carrion-scavenged carcass. I hope my bullies rot in hell, and look forward to haunting their remaining days on Earth.

I concede your point.

Oh man, were you the one that died at comic con?

Yes. What, how did you know?

wrapping up

No, that's not how I died. What are you talking about?

On a scale of 1-10 with ten risking potential indictment on fraud charges, how would you rate your moral record?

Okay, but really?

clothed at comic con?

Oh man, you weren't in costume were you?

maybe did or did not die at comic con

No, I was naked

Good lord that's worse.

Alright, well we are almost done here. Let's wrap this up and get your body covered okay? Your family's shame is forever though I am afraid.


 

On a scale of 1-10 with ten risking potential indictment on fraud charges, how would you rate your moral record?

_____

Okay, but really?