Oh, good for you friend!
Thanks. It was all totally worth it.
Don't applaud me for this.
I was very sad inside.
Were you kind of boring in general, or was it really that bad?
I see. You had a lot of pain inside. Were you inspired by rock music?
Were you inspired by any of the following:
Okay, just checking.
Did any of them kill you?
Oh wow! On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the strongest likelihood of being mocked on late night television...Summarize your level of household name recognition level and political platform:
I was elected county coroner, and the dead tell no tales.
I might have appeared the Borat sequel.
Right, but, like, has anyone ever used the phrase "quiet dignity" and your name in the same sentence?
Would you consider yourself a rather
self-aware person, or do you want to go back?
Err... let's go back.
Proceed in my quietly dignified way please.
JFC, fine let's pick a different topic of discussion (though secretly, I still think that it will be mentioned in the eulogy).
I will not dignify this with further discussion.
Please, let us move along.
Good god, what kind of scandal ruins a run for public office in this day and age? I am going to need some context.
Did it involve windsurfing?
A baffling geography question you didn't know how to answer?
A plot to frame another country for a crime under pretense to start fight an unpopular war?
No, just run-of-the-mill sex stuff and the nausea that the public had to endure when forced to picture me partaking in.
None of these, but there has been at least one full length book and a written for television movie based on my exploits.