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Choosing a Hill to Die On

an existential  quest

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As this arguably one of the most important decisions of your life. this will largely be a multiple choice process.
Are you ready to get started?


Relax, we are all gonna die. This is just a fun little activity to do while we wait, okay?

To paraphrase the great Robert Frost, and the misquotes from yearbooks for decades after and still to come, here you are at your two roads.
go back

You can't split yourself in two, and there are no indicators of which one is less traveled.

Which one do you want to take?

I find choices rather debilitating.

Quiet Dignity

Would you consider yourself a rather
self-aware person, or do you want to change your answer?

Err... let's go back.

I am quite disapproving of your insinuation. Please give me a comment card to send to your manager before I fall down on my hill.

Right, but, like, has anyone ever used the phrase "quiet dignity" and your name in the same sentence?


JFC, fine let's pick a different topic of discussion (though secretly, I still think that it will be mentioned in the eulogy).

I will not dignify this with further discussion.
Please, let us move along.

Were you pretty boring in general or was it really that good?


On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the Collyer Brothers  who were basically crushed by their belongings, how many cat skeletons did your family find after you died?

Oh wow! On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the strongest likelihood of being mocked on late night television...Summarize your level of household name recognition level and political platform: 

I was elected county coroner, and the dead tell no tales.

I might have appeared the Borat sequel.

Were you pretty boring in general or was it really that bad?










Okay, just checking.

Did any of them kill you?

Okay, do you not understand what we are doing here?

No, not really.

Yes, but my indecisiveness is a core part of my identity, and truthfully it probably had a hand in my death.

Yeah, I was just testing out the wild card. I probably died in an accident doing something stupid. 


Charles Atlas

Oh, wow, good for you friend!       



Thanks! It was all totally worth it.       




Don't applaud me for this.  I was very sad inside.

I see. Would you like a quick recap of your life as if flashed before your eyes at the moment of your death?

Were you pretty boring in general or was it really that good?


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Were you pretty boring in general, or did you really do something worthy of praise?

Like you have a hospital wing or school named after you or something?

You can call me Dr. Sidney Fucking Farber, okay?

Don't ask me any more questions.

Oh, bummer. What'd you get pinned for?


Murder 1

Stealing hubcaps

Wire fraud


Fixing the 1919 World Series

Good god, what kind of scandal ruins a run for public office in this day and age? I am going to need some context.

Did it involve windsurfing?

Mistaken identity?

A baffling geography question you didn't know how to answer?

A plot to frame another country for a crime under pretense to start fight an unpopular war?

No, just run-of-the-mill sex stuff and the nausea that the public had to endure when forced to picture me partaking in.

None of these, but there has been at least one full length book and a written for television movie based on my exploits.

Did you own a Peloton?
Did it kill you?
Were you inspired by Lance Armstrong?
Did he kill you?

Art Gallery

Were you pretty boring in general or was it really that much?



Which of the cardinal deadly sins was featured most prominently?






humble bragging

opposing the NRA

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Oh, awesome I love these!

Which thread?

Were you kind of boring in general, or was it really that bad?


I see. You had a lot of pain inside. Were you inspired by rock music? 

Were you inspired by any of the following:

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