Okay, you're at your proverbial crossroads, you can't split yourself in two, and there are no indicators of which one is less traveled. Which one do you want to take?

 

  • hoarding

  • your money

  • your wicked kickflip

  • your community service

  • your court-ordered community service

  • the posts about your death on Redditt

  • your quiet dignity

At your funeral, people will most likely remember you for:

  • your beach body

  • your drug addiction

  • your run for public office

  • the scandal that ruined your run for public office

  • wearing bike shorts unironically

  • the posts about death on Reddit

  • your quiet dignity

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the Collyer Brothers  who were basically crushed by their belongings, how many cat skeletons did your family find after you died?

  • 1-10

Oh, good for you, friend!

  • Thanks. It was all totally worth it.

  • Don't applaud me for this. I was very sad inside.

Were you pretty boring in general, or was it really that much?

  • It was definitely that much and they are definitely going to contest the will.

  • Don't applaud me for this. I was very sad inside.

I see. You had a lot of pain inside. Were you inspired by rock music?

What?​

  • Did any of these people kill you?

  •  Yes, they might have had a hand in it.

  • How about him?

  • Him?

  • I see, none of these. Her?

  • None of these? Okay, good. Let's proceed.

Oh wow! On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the strongest likelihood of being mocked on late night television, summarize your level of household name recognition level and political platform:

  • I was the county coroner, and the dead tell no tales.

  • 10, I might have appeared the Borat sequel.

That is incredible!

Were you pretty boring in general, or was it really that good?

  • It was definitely that much and they are definitely going to contest the will.

  • Don't applaud me for this. I was very sad inside.

Okay, just checking. Did any of them kill you?

  • Yes

  • No

  • Maybe, it was dark.

Good god, what kind of scandal ruins a run for public office in this day and age? I am going to need some context. Which of the cardinal deadly sins was featured most prominently?

  • fornication

  • gluttony

  • avarice

  • acedia

  • pride

  • wrath

  • envy

  • opposing the NRA

I see...

  • Did it involve windsurfing?

  • Mistaken identity?

  • A baffling geography question you didn't know how to answer?

  • A plot to frame another country for a crime under pretense to start fight an unpopular war?

  • No, just run-of-the-mill sex stuff and the nausea that the public had to endure when forced to picture me partaking in.

  • None of these, but there has been at least one full length book and a written for television movie based on my exploits.

Do you own a Peloton?

Did it kill you?
Were you inspired by Lance Armstrong?
Did he kill you?

Maybe, it was dark.

Would you consider yourself a rather self-aware person, or do you want to go back?

  • Err... let's go back

  • Proceed in my quietly dignified way

  • your beach body

  • your drug addiction

  • your run for public office

  • the scandal that ruined your run for public office

  • wearing bike shorts unironically

  • the posts about death on Reddit

  • your quiet dignity

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the Collyer Brothers  who were basically crushed by their belongings, how many cat skeletons did your family find after you died?

  • 1-10

Oh, good for you, friend!

  • Thanks. It was all totally worth it.

  • Don't applaud me for this. I was very sad inside.

Were you pretty boring in general, or was it really that much?

  • It was definitely that much and they are definitely going to contest the will.

  • Don't applaud me for this. I was very sad inside.

I see. You had a lot of pain inside. Were you inspired by rock music?

What?​

  • Did any of these people kill you?

  •  Yes, they might have had a hand in it.

  • How about him?

  • Him?

  • I see, none of these. Her?

  • None of these? Okay, good. Let's proceed.

Oh wow! On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the strongest likelihood of being mocked on late night television, summarize your level of household name recognition level and political platform:

  • I was the county coroner, and the dead tell no tales.

  • 10, I might have appeared the Borat sequel.

That is incredible!

Were you pretty boring in general, or was it really that good?

  • It was definitely that much and they are definitely going to contest the will.

  • Don't applaud me for this. I was very sad inside.

Okay, just checking. Did any of them kill you?

  • Yes

  • No

  • Maybe, it was dark.

Good god, what kind of scandal ruins a run for public office in this day and age? I am going to need some context. Which of the cardinal deadly sins was featured most prominently?

  • fornication

  • gluttony

  • avarice

  • acedia

  • pride

  • wrath

  • envy

  • opposing the NRA

I see...

  • Did it involve windsurfing?

  • Mistaken identity?

  • A baffling geography question you didn't know how to answer?

  • A plot to frame another country for a crime under pretense to start fight an unpopular war?

  • No, just run-of-the-mill sex stuff and the nausea that the public had to endure when forced to picture me partaking in.

  • None of these, but there has been at least one full length book and a written for television movie based on my exploits.

The posts about your death on Reddit

Oh, awesome I love these!

Which thread?

  • r/AmItheAsshole

  • r/tifu

  • r/confessions

  • r/DarwinAwards

  • r/legaladvice

  • r/WTF?!

  • r/debateAChristian

Do you own a Peloton?

Did it kill you?
Were you inspired by Lance Armstrong?
Did he kill you?

Maybe, it was dark.

Would you consider yourself a rather self-aware person, or do you want to go back?

  • Err... let's go back

  • Proceed in my quietly dignified way

At your funeral, people will most likely remember you for:

  • your beach body

  • your drug addiction

  • your run for public office

  • the scandal that ruined your run for public office

  • wearing bike shorts unironically

  • the posts about death on Reddit

  • your quiet dignity

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the Collyer Brothers  who were basically crushed by their belongings, how many cat skeletons did your family find after you died?

  • 1-10

Oh, good for you, friend!

  • Thanks. It was all totally worth it.

  • Don't applaud me for this. I was very sad inside.

Were you pretty boring in general, or was it really that much?

  • It was definitely that much and they are definitely going to contest the will.

  • Don't applaud me for this. I was very sad inside.

I see. You had a lot of pain inside. Were you inspired by rock music?

What?​

  • Did any of these people kill you?

  •  Yes, they might have had a hand in it.

  • How about him?

  • Him?

  • I see, none of these. Her?

  • None of these? Okay, good. Let's proceed.

Oh wow! On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the strongest likelihood of being mocked on late night television, summarize your level of household name recognition level and political platform:

  • I was the county coroner, and the dead tell no tales.

  • 10, I might have appeared the Borat sequel.

That is incredible!

Were you pretty boring in general, or was it really that good?

  • It was definitely that much and they are definitely going to contest the will.

  • Don't applaud me for this. I was very sad inside.

Okay, just checking. Did any of them kill you?

  • Yes

  • No

  • Maybe, it was dark.

Good god, what kind of scandal ruins a run for public office in this day and age? I am going to need some context. Which of the cardinal deadly sins was featured most prominently?

  • fornication

  • gluttony

  • avarice

  • acedia

  • pride

  • wrath

  • envy

  • opposing the NRA

I see...

  • Did it involve windsurfing?

  • Mistaken identity?

  • A baffling geography question you didn't know how to answer?

  • A plot to frame another country for a crime under pretense to start fight an unpopular war?

  • No, just run-of-the-mill sex stuff and the nausea that the public had to endure when forced to picture me partaking in.

  • None of these, but there has been at least one full length book and a written for television movie based on my exploits.

The posts about your death on Reddit

Oh, awesome I love these!

Which thread?

  • r/AmItheAsshole

  • r/tifu

  • r/confessions

  • r/DarwinAwards

  • r/legaladvice

  • r/WTF?!

  • r/debateAChristian

Do you own a Peloton?

Did it kill you?
Were you inspired by Lance Armstrong?
Did he kill you?

Maybe, it was dark.

Would you consider yourself a rather self-aware person, or do you want to go back?

  • Err... let's go back

  • Proceed in my quietly dignified way