Your Pet Peeves 

toast crumbs in the butter 

water sports 

your fucking kids 

Jonathan Franzen 

early morning meetings 

trigger warnings 

the welfare state 

theater majors 

You also didn't like 

DIY'ers 

John Mayer 

other peoples' kids 

the state of higher education in this country 

liberals 

Tucker Carlson 

Journey 

You believe mankind is 

basically good 

basically evil 

a simulation 

a fucking nightmare 

At the afterparty, people will most likely discuss: 

  1. your online gaming addiction that worried your friends and family 

  2. your online gaming addiction that no one cared about 

  3. your kids' paternity 

  4. your family's liability in the whole affair 

  5. your double secret probation 

  6. your misguided optimism 

 

True or False: In the last year of your life, you read at least one book. 

True 

In the last 5? 

10? 

Since high school? 

In high school? 

 

Is your name Jordan Catalano, and/or do you need some after school help? 

Are you kind of elitist? 

Yes. Obviously. 

Kind of. 

Maybe? 

No man, I am a total communist! 

What are your thoughts on Jonathan Franzen? 

Who? 

Favorite writer, hands down. 

The Corrections was okay I guess. 

Well, he did kind of have a point about, um, women's writing... 

If I could only stare that smarmy bastard down with my arsonist glare. 

How many Wes Anderson Movies have you seen? 

Do you live on a coast? * 

East 

West 

No 

I'm not American, you asshole. 

I'd rather not bring geography into this. 

Have you, or any member of your family, ever attended Montessori school? * 

Yes 

Maybe 

No 

Have you ever seen the movie the 1985 John Hughes coming-of-age movie Breakfast Club? * 

Yes, hasn't everyone? 

Yes, I was in it. 

No, sorry I wasn't even born yet. 

No, I was born, but I never saw it, and feel a stubborn sort of happiness that I have apparently come to the end of my life without having done so, 

phone a friend 

Do you live on a coast? * 

East 

West 

No 

I'm not American, you asshole. 

I'd rather not bring geography into this. 

Have you, or any member of your family, ever attended Montessori school? * 

Yes 

Maybe 

No 

Have you ever seen the movie the 1985 John Hughes coming-of-age movie Breakfast Club? * 

Yes, hasn't everyone? 

Yes, I was in it. 

No, sorry I wasn't even born yet. 

No, I was born, but I never saw it, and feel a stubborn sort of happiness that I have apparently come to the end of my life without having done so, 

phone a friend 

Your friends secretly dreaded your tendency to: * 

steal their stuff or give them nutrition advice 

chew with your mouth while quoting movies badly 

show them pictures of your hiking trip 

share your IQ or your GPA, or, god, you didn't do both did you? 

gift them copies of Bill O'Reilly novels 

share beach selfies 

talk about your fantasy football team 

invite them to listen to see your band 

talk about your existential crisis and/or what you discussed with your therapist 

ignore your shower schedule 

Also they worried about * 

higher education, mainstream media, and the socialist agenda of the liberal elite taking over your common sense and decency 

your lack of initiative, street smarts, and/or your general lack of employability 

your recklessness and/or substance abuse and/or hoarding 

your admiration of Tucker Carlson 

your laundry schedule 

They didn't believe you * 

spoke French 

almost played professional 

went to Brown 

ate meals as a family 

knew how to surf 

voted for Obama 

stayed sober at holiday or work events 

And they kinda doubted * 

you were that fun in college 

your social media followers were real 

your efficacy of your medication regime 

your job qualifications 

that you were really more comfortable with who you are than you were ten years ago 

your humanity 

wrapping up 

On a scale of 1-10 with ten risking potential indictment on fraud charges, how would you rate your moral record? 

 

Okay, but really? * 

  

 Have you ever referred "the way we used to do it," and/or the superior parenting of an earlier generation, referencing some indefinite idealized past while simultaneously complaining about something in the present?  

  

Okay, we are all getting a little worked up here. So I need to keep going or I am going to drown in the lava at the top of this mountain with you. Are you coming or not?add "Other"fine, you donkey 

 No. I have found the place where I die with my ideals untarnished. Let's wrap this up.  

I don't agree with you on virtually anything else. And that's okay. This is a terrible place to die, so let's get the f out of here. 

  

 

 

 

How did you die? * 

affluenza 

overdosed at Comic Con 

you spilled paint in the garage 

surgical error 

theme park accident 

an unfortunately timed high five while getting a neck tattoo 

eaten by a shark while attempting to surf 

hit job by the liberal elites 

pummeled by falling space junk 

murdered by pirates 

crushed by your belongings like a Collyer brother 

bad case of norovirus on a cruise ship. Buried at sea. 

poisoned by your staff 

water polo accident 

national security incident 

cancer 

you aren't sure. you just followed Steven Miller into the darkness 

you didn't 

 

 

 

 

Also I have to tell you that no one believes your claim to have been a nerd in high school.  We know you were basically kind of an asshole just like the rest of us.

 

Oh man, you weren't in costume were you? 

clothed at comic con? Oh man, you weren't in costume were you?

 

Alright, well we are almost done here. Let's wrap this up and get your body covered okay? Your family's shame is forever though I am afraid. maybe did or did not die at comic con